Fangirl Fantasy
Okay, who can guess what this is a satire of?
The five girls had one thing on their minds when they entered the grand premier of the movie. To kidnap the main star.
Lauren, Jessica, Bette, Ashley, and Hannah where die-hard fans of the book before the movie was even proposed, and when the girls heard that a movie was to be made – they couldn’t contain their fangirl joy. Now, six months after they found out about the movie production, the five were on their way to the grand premier with tickets they had bought with summer, upon summer of babysitting money, and a flexible plan worked out for the sneakiest maneuver they ever expected to attempt.
“He’s going to come in and sit down with all of the other stars, and bodyguards, so we’ll have to get him when he goes to the bathroom or something.” Ashely started with her mouth full of pretzel. The five girls were clustered around a tight-woven rug on Hannah’s bedroom floor, and they snacked as they chatted over their plans.
“No one goes to the bathroom during their own movie premiere.” Bette shook her head from side to side.
“So what do you suggest?” Ashely glared across the room at her.
“A secret note.” Bette said in a low tone.
“What could possibly be a good enough not to bring him out of the theater?” Ashely rolled her eyes.
“Say that his mother died.” Jessica said as she plucked a sandwich cookie out of the plastic tray on the floor.
“No way. That is just too mean.” Hannah said with finality.
“Alright, how about his dog died?” Jessica said.
“He doesn’t have a dog.” Hannah responded. “And you would know that if you where half the obsessive stalker fangirl that you pretend to be.”
“I’m not a stalker.” Jessica’s face puckered into a defensive frown.
“Hun, we’re kidnapping a movie star, what else are you gonna call it?” Bette squinted her eyes and shook her head at the same time. Jessica shrugged and finished her cookie.
“I would come out of my grand premier if my dog that I didn’t know existed died.” Jessica mumbled.
“Okay, how about his car.” Ashley suggested.
“What about it?”
“That he needs to move it because it’s obstructing traffic.”
“Dude, parking attendants.”
“Oh right.” Ashley shrugged.
“Why don’t we just say that he’s needed at the front desk?” Hannah shrugged. The five girls considered this for a moment, then nodded their heads in agreement.
“Nothing better then curiosity to drive a sexy movie star out of his grand premier.” Bette nodded.
“Okay, I’ll deliver the note to the concierge at the door, and tell him it’s urgent.” Bette started, “And then you guys will be waiting at the back with the gag, and rope.” Bette delivered instructions to her friends.
“Do we really have to gag his perfect mouth?” Jessica whined.
“If we don’t, he’ll let out a perfect scream and ruin the plan.” Bette rolled her eyes.
“Okay, then we’ll have the wheelbarrow outside waiting – be sure to bring a blanket to cover him. The last thing is getting him up the stairs of Jessica’s apartment – without her parents seeing him. I think we can manage to carry him as long as we take shifts, and we can sneak past her parents if we take our shoes off.” Bette finished.
“So what are we going to do once we have him?” Jessica asked collectively.
“I’m going to touch his hair.” Hannah said mistily. The five girls sighed harmoniously in fangirl euphoria.
Lauren, Jessica, Bette, Ashley, and Hannah where die-hard fans of the book before the movie was even proposed, and when the girls heard that a movie was to be made – they couldn’t contain their fangirl joy. Now, six months after they found out about the movie production, the five were on their way to the grand premier with tickets they had bought with summer, upon summer of babysitting money, and a flexible plan worked out for the sneakiest maneuver they ever expected to attempt.
“He’s going to come in and sit down with all of the other stars, and bodyguards, so we’ll have to get him when he goes to the bathroom or something.” Ashely started with her mouth full of pretzel. The five girls were clustered around a tight-woven rug on Hannah’s bedroom floor, and they snacked as they chatted over their plans.
“No one goes to the bathroom during their own movie premiere.” Bette shook her head from side to side.
“So what do you suggest?” Ashely glared across the room at her.
“A secret note.” Bette said in a low tone.
“What could possibly be a good enough not to bring him out of the theater?” Ashely rolled her eyes.
“Say that his mother died.” Jessica said as she plucked a sandwich cookie out of the plastic tray on the floor.
“No way. That is just too mean.” Hannah said with finality.
“Alright, how about his dog died?” Jessica said.
“He doesn’t have a dog.” Hannah responded. “And you would know that if you where half the obsessive stalker fangirl that you pretend to be.”
“I’m not a stalker.” Jessica’s face puckered into a defensive frown.
“Hun, we’re kidnapping a movie star, what else are you gonna call it?” Bette squinted her eyes and shook her head at the same time. Jessica shrugged and finished her cookie.
“I would come out of my grand premier if my dog that I didn’t know existed died.” Jessica mumbled.
“Okay, how about his car.” Ashley suggested.
“What about it?”
“That he needs to move it because it’s obstructing traffic.”
“Dude, parking attendants.”
“Oh right.” Ashley shrugged.
“Why don’t we just say that he’s needed at the front desk?” Hannah shrugged. The five girls considered this for a moment, then nodded their heads in agreement.
“Nothing better then curiosity to drive a sexy movie star out of his grand premier.” Bette nodded.
“Okay, I’ll deliver the note to the concierge at the door, and tell him it’s urgent.” Bette started, “And then you guys will be waiting at the back with the gag, and rope.” Bette delivered instructions to her friends.
“Do we really have to gag his perfect mouth?” Jessica whined.
“If we don’t, he’ll let out a perfect scream and ruin the plan.” Bette rolled her eyes.
“Okay, then we’ll have the wheelbarrow outside waiting – be sure to bring a blanket to cover him. The last thing is getting him up the stairs of Jessica’s apartment – without her parents seeing him. I think we can manage to carry him as long as we take shifts, and we can sneak past her parents if we take our shoes off.” Bette finished.
“So what are we going to do once we have him?” Jessica asked collectively.
“I’m going to touch his hair.” Hannah said mistily. The five girls sighed harmoniously in fangirl euphoria.
“Got the rope?”
“Check.”
“Gag?”
“Check.”
“Wheelbarrow?”
“Out front.”
“Everyone looks fab?”
“Double check.”
“Okay.”
Five pairs of newly-purchased high heels, concealed beneath the taffeta fluff of prom gowns, tapped down the steps of Jessica’s apartment, and into the street. The wheelbarrow clunked conspicuously behind Hanna and Bette as the girls clacked across the sidewalk to their destination, as they unsuccessfully attempted to remain incognito in their attractive outfit.
“Look, there’s the hiding spot for the wheelbarrow.” Bette muttered through unmoving lips as they passed the narrow alleyway of a quiet street. Jessica – who was pushing the wheelbarrow – slunk past the backs of the girls as they stood like a shield to block the actions of their friend. Jessica lumbered the wheelbarrow noisily over to the side, and dropped it to rest against the side of a garbage can. After this task was completed, the five girls continued on their route to the theater.
Ashley swung the cumbersome bag that held the rope and gag, over her shoulder as they crossed the street to wait in line.
A chorus of cheers erupted like one hundred tea kettles going off simultaneously as the stars collected across the red carpet to have cameras snapped in their faces.
“Oh my god, there he is.” Bette jabbed a finger in the air at their kidnap victim made a grand entrance.
“Quick, get a freaking picture!” Hannah screamed at her friends.
“Here he comes, here he comes!” The girls shouted over each other as the movie star crossed the flat of red to stand directly in front of them. His back was turned, and he was a few paces a way from the railing as they lent over to reach their hands out for a touch, but he remained in place for an interview directly in their line of vision. The girls looked at each other with suggestion rippling through their eyes, and smiled their secret smiles.
The theater was as grand as had been dreamed of by the five friends, and they gasped and gaped as they stared up at the cathedral ceiling.
“Oh. My. God.” Bette said aloud as they stared around them.
“Look! Look! It’s him!” Jessica screeched before Bette threw a hand over her mouth, and dragged her to the side.
“Stop drawing attention to yourself!” She whispered harshly into her ear.
“Sorry.” Jessica nodded, and adjusted her rumpled dress.
The movie began with a round of applause, and a few scattered screams from the fangirls situated around the theater. The four girls turned to Bette for instruction, but she kept her eyes focused on the screen. The friends returned their stares to the movie, they new the queue would be when Bette stood to slip the note to the concierge. Half of the movie rolled by, and the girls split their attention to rest halfway between the film and the action plan that lay ahead of them.
Bette rose with a slight rotation of her head, and turned to slip out of the row of chairs. Four sets of eyes flicked back and forth amongst themselves before they turned to rest on the screen – though they were no longer digesting the information ahead of them. Five minutes later, Hannah preformed the same maneuver that Bette had just acted out, and slipped out into the foyer. The girls followed suit every five minutes, until there where five vacant seats in a row.
“Alright,” Bette started as the five girls stood in the corner beside the bathroom of the theater, “you guys are going to be just outside the back entrance. I’m going to give the concierge the note, and tell him I’ll be waiting outside in the back.”
“Is this actually going to work? I can barely see it’s so dark!” Ashely shook her head from side to side.
“His hair babe, just keep thinking about touching his hair.” Bette said simply.
“This is going to work.” Ashley nodded once, then turned to exit the building, followed by Hannah, Jessica, and Lauren. The four girls stood waiting in the cool night air with the rope and gag at the ready. A few moments later the leader of the band returned with breath coming out in short bursts.
“Okay, give me the gag, and back up against the wall where he can’t see you.” Bette instructed. The four girls did as they were told, and Bette stood just behind the back door, out of plain sight.
Clip clop, clip clop, creak… The footsteps made their way through the room, and the door swung open.
“Err?” The movie star muttered in a British accent. Bette didn’t pause when she leaped forwards and strung the gag around his head and through his teeth.
“Rope, rope!” She shouted to her accomplices. The four girls jumped to her assistance, and flung the ropes around his arms and legs. They knotted them quickly, and tightly and the helpless screen hero fell to the ground with a grunt.
“Okay, get the wheelbarrow.” Bette pointed her finger to Lauren, who jumped into action and clacked through the back alley in her high heels. She returned momentarily with the cumbersome transportation device clunking ahead of her.
“One, two, three, lift!” Bette grunted as she hefted her portion of the movie star into the wheelbarrow. She gave his hair a pat before tossing the blanket over him, and tucking it around his body.
“Alright.” She said with a smile. “Time for phase two.”
“Alright,” Bette started as the five girls stood in the corner beside the bathroom of the theater, “you guys are going to be just outside the back entrance. I’m going to give the concierge the note, and tell him I’ll be waiting outside in the back.”
“Is this actually going to work? I can barely see it’s so dark!” Ashely shook her head from side to side.
“His hair babe, just keep thinking about touching his hair.” Bette said simply.
“This is going to work.” Ashley nodded once, then turned to exit the building, followed by Hannah, Jessica, and Lauren. The four girls stood waiting in the cool night air with the rope and gag at the ready. A few moments later the leader of the band returned with breath coming out in short bursts.
“Okay, give me the gag, and back up against the wall where he can’t see you.” Bette instructed. The four girls did as they were told, and Bette stood just behind the back door, out of plain sight.
Clip clop, clip clop, creak… The footsteps made their way through the room, and the door swung open.
“Err?” The movie star muttered in a British accent. Bette didn’t pause when she leaped forwards and strung the gag around his head and through his teeth.
“Rope, rope!” She shouted to her accomplices. The four girls jumped to her assistance, and flung the ropes around his arms and legs. They knotted them quickly, and tightly and the helpless screen hero fell to the ground with a grunt.
“Okay, get the wheelbarrow.” Bette pointed her finger to Lauren, who jumped into action and clacked through the back alley in her high heels. She returned momentarily with the cumbersome transportation device clunking ahead of her.
“One, two, three, lift!” Bette grunted as she hefted her portion of the movie star into the wheelbarrow. She gave his hair a pat before tossing the blanket over him, and tucking it around his body.
“Alright.” She said with a smile. “Time for phase two.”
The girls clattered through the alleyway with their prized kill rocking in the wheelbarrow. Occasionally one of the friends would reach down to comfort him, or touch his hair.
“Are we almost there?” Lauren huffed behind the wheelbarrow.
“We’re just a block away, then it’s up the stairs.” Bette said.
“Elevator.” Lauren whined.
“Someone might see.” Bette shook her head in the dark.
“Yeah, because this arrangement is totally inconspicuous.” Lauren mumbled grouchily.
The five girls wrapped the blanket more tightly around the bound movie star as they approached the apartment building.
“Lauren and Jessica, you get the legs, and the rest of us will get the head.” Bette said at the back entrance to the apartment building. The girls nodded, and turned to heft their prize movie star out of the wheel barrow. They tugged him up the steps and through the doors to the heated air of the building.
“Lift, come on lift!” Bette said through gritted teeth. The five girls dragged the poor movie star up the staircase, and stopped with a huff at the second floor.
“Okay, now the fun begins.” Bette said with her hands on her hips. The girls lifted him up and turned him over onto Bette’s back, she stumbled slightly, then regained her balance enough to walk in a straight line. Lauren and Hannah trailed behind her with the movie star’s ankles resting in their palms to remove some of the weight from Bette’s back.
“Hurry, someone is coming!” Jessica said in a startled whisper.
“Go, go, go!” Bette urged. The girls slid hurriedly through the hallway, and Jessica whipped out her door key.
“Safe.” Bette said as they slipped through the doorway. They clattered to Jessica’s bedroom, and shut the door.
“Get the towel.” Bette said, and Lauren reached down to stuff a towel under the door.
“Okay, ropes and blanket first, then explain the situation, and untie the gag.” Bette said with a deep breath.
“One, two, three…” She said, as she swiped the blanket off of their captive’s face to reveal… Their movie star’s agent.
“What the!” Bette shouted.
“Shhhh – shhh – my parents will hear you!” Jessica said in a hushed voice.
“It’s the wrong one!” Bette shook her head in disbelief. The agent wriggled in his place. Bette snatched the gag off of his mouth and stared fiercely at his face.
“Alright wise guy, why were you pretending to be our movie star?” She demanded.
“What are you talking about?” He stared open mouthed around him at the faces of the five teenage girls.
“Our movie star was supposed to come out to get his urgent message, not you!” Hannah said from behind Bette.
“What message? I just came out for a cigarette break!” He said harshly in his British accent.
“He didn’t get our message?” Hannah looked around at Bette, who held her hands out in front of her.
“I gave it to the concierge.”
“He wouldn’t give it to our movie star during the movie.” The agent rolled his eyes. The girls looked from face to face with their eyebrows pressed together.
“So we kidnapped the wrong dude, and now we’ll never get to touch his hair.” Jessica stated dejectedly. The agent rolled his eyes.
“Look, you get me out of here and I will bring you some of his hair, alright?” He muttered under his breath. The girls stared around at each other for a moment, deliberating the plan. Finally Bette shrugged her shoulders.
“I guess this will be our best offer ladies.” She said and reached forwards to loose the gag. The other girls bent down to unfasten the well tied ropes, and stood back to let the agent stand. He rolled his head around on his neck to loosen the cramps, and shook out his limbs.
“This way.” Jessica mumbled and lead the party out through the way they had come in. They took the elevator this time, and the five friends didn’t let the agent out of their sight on the walk back to the theater.
“Okay.” The agent started. “You wait here and I’ll come out of the movie, and bring it to you.” He said with a roll of his eyes.
“How do we know you’re actually going to remember us?” Hannah asked. The agent rolled his eyes again, and slipped his shark-tooth necklace off over his head.
“I’ll come back for this.” He said. The girls glanced around the circle of faces, and then nodded their acquiescence. The agent let out a sigh as he retreated to the building.
The girls waited in silence, but the excitement that rippled through the atmosphere was loud enough to fill the air. Only half an hour later, the doors were flung open to a riot of screams and clapping as the movie-goers exited with cameras lighting their faces. The five friends waited in silence as the faces passed, and became anxious as the end of the line approached.
“There he is!” Ashley screamed through the crowd as she watched the movie star’s agent weave through the crowd with a parcel in his hand. He casually slipped in to stand in front of the ropes, and extended the cupped palm of his hand behind him. Hannah exchanged the tiny plastic bag with the shark-tooth necklace, and looked around at her friends. With excitedly shaking fingers, she peeled the bag apart, and pushed her finger into the bag.
“Guys, guys! I’m touching it!” She squealed. The others snatched the bag from her and proceeded to jam their own fingers through the plastic.
“Wait a second.” Bette looked up. “How do we know this is actually his hair?” She said with skepticism. The five heads snapped up simultaneously, and stared through the crowd to where their movie star was standing. There they found solace, for a small, but distinguishable patch of hair was missing. They looked around at each other, then burst into a chorus of screams as they pushed through the crowd and down the street.
“Quick, let me smell it!” Bette snatched at the bag.
“Okay, okay.” Hannah passed it to her.
“What does it smell like?” Jessica asked mistily.
“Beer and Cheez-its.” She mumbled with surprise. It didn’t take a moment for this information to sink in, and the girls backed away from the bag in unison.
“Eeewwww…”
