Catspeaksart

This one was taken from actual experiences. Not. Even. Kidding. Enjoy.

Mom’s footsteps clomped down the stairs as she charged through the house to the kitchen.
“No one answers the phone in this house!” She shouted to anyone within hearing distance. Four heads lifted, and four sets of eyes stared vacantly around the room.
“That’s because it’s never for us.” Unice mumbled as she returned her attention to the computer screen in front of her.
“Hello!” Mom said forcefully into the phone – slightly out of breath. “Oh yes…” Her voice relaxed as she spoke to the individual on the other end of the line.
“Yes, that would be fine… Oh, I’m sure they’d just love that… Okay, we can do that. Alright, I’ll see you, goodbye.”
“Who was it?” Ken didn’t look up from book he was engrossed in when he asked.
“That was Ms. Topkins. She needs us to pet sit while she visits her nephew and his family. Three groans echoed around the room in perfect harmony.
“Noooo…” Matt sat back in his chair and rubbed his hands over his eyes.
“What?” Mom looked around the room with a question mark on her face.
“She has four hundred animals – and her house smells like a men’s locker room.” Ken informed his mother with a tired groan in his voice.
“Wait – who’s house?” Sadie looked up from her math homework and stared around the room.
“Weren’t you listening?” Unice raised an eyebrow at her younger sister with a shake of her head.
“We never answer the phone in this house?” Sadie repeated the last segment of conversation that she could recall.
“We have to watch Ms. Topkins’s zoo while she’s away.” Ken looked pointedly at Sadie, his younger sister.
“No freaking way.” Sadie said without missing a beat.
“Alright, that’s enough.” Mom said with authority. “You only have to watch for two days, and you can use the money for whatever you want.” She directed her arched eyebrow around the room, before turning to leave.

A chorus of footsteps drummed across the sidewalk as the four siblings tromped through the snow to Ms. Topkins’s house.
“Give me one of your corn chips.” Matt said to Unice, reaching to put his hand in her bag of chips.
“No way.” Unice pulled away and the bag crinkled in her hand.
“I hope they don’t poop on the floor. I hate it when they poop on the floor.” Sadie, the youngest of the group said with a hopeless expression crumpled on her face.
“Alright, if they poop on the floor then we’ll have to draw straws for who picks it up.” Matt said with his hands in his pockets.
“Deal.” The other three said in unison.
The sound of dogs barking, birds squawking, and fish… blooping, erupted from the house like a symphony with mismatched sheet music.
“Okay, where to start?” Ken said with his hands resting on the base of his waist.
“Let the dogs out.” Unice crossed the floor, and vaulted over the baby-gate that kept the five dogs from leaving the kitchen. She turned the knob of the backdoor and the five-some of quadrupeds barked their way out of the house.
“Next?” Matt poked around in the kitchen cabinets.
“You do birds, Ken, you do cats, I’ll take the fish, and Sadie, you handle the reptiles.” The oldest of the group took authority, and everyone followed Unice’s instructions.
“Uuuummmm…” Someone said from the back of the house.
“What?” Unice raised her head with a tired sigh.
“Wasn’t there supposed to be two iguanas in here?” Sadie said with a nervous tremor.
“Yeah…” Unice’s eyes squinted as she walked through the hallway to where her sister was supposed to be feeding crickets to lizards, and changing the bedding of snake’s cages.
“There’s only one.” Sadie said simply.
“Oh god.” Unice’s eye widened to the size of DVDs as she stared into the empty cage.
“Okay, you take the basement, I’ll take the bedrooms. We need to find that iguana.” The sisters nodded their heads, and charged off to find the missing reptile.
Not five minutes after Unice and Sadie had discovered the mystery of the missing iguana, a yell echoed throughout the house.
“EEEWWWWW!” Matt shouted as he stared at the cat chewing on the corpse of a mouse.
“What?” Three alarmed faces poked around the doorway, and stared at the revolting sight.
“Oh no! Those where supposed to be for the snakes!” Unice charged across the floor and picked the feline up under her arm. The mouse dropped from her mouth, and lay in a dead heap on the carpet.
“Ugh.” Unice blinked her eyes and turned her head to the side. “Someone get me wet wipe.” She said, through gritted teeth. Matt escaped to the bathroom, and returned holding a damp white cloth. Unice took the wipe, and dropped the cat that was still hanging in her arm. She plucked the mouse off of the floor, and covered her mouth and nose with her hand as she charged out the door into the reptile room. She deposited the corpse in the snake cage, and turned her head to the side with revulsion riveting through her face.
“Okay.” She said stepping out of the room and into the hallway. “Next.”
Sadie returned to the reptile room, and lifted the lid of the mesh cage that contained the crickets for feeding the lizards.
“Wha!” A swarm of tiny chirps, and elastic legs flew in a could around her face as Sadie reached her hand into the cage.
“Sadie! You were supposed to put the cage into the lizard tank before you took the top off!” Matt reprimanded his younger sister.
“I just – I didn’t – ” Sadie’s arms flapped around for added emphasis to her confusion.
“Just help me get them into the tank!” Matt told her with a roll of his eyes. Sadie sadly complied, and the siblings where on their hands and knees as they plucked crickets out of the air like a game of Jacks gone wild.
“Okay, that’s all the ones I can see.” Matt said with his hands on his hips.
“Alright.” Sadie stood, and picked the mesh cage up off of the floor. She crossed the carpet to the glass tank, and lifted the heat lamp off of the top before setting the mesh square in the center of the tank and lifting the lid. The crickets jumped merrily to their death, and Sadie and Matt left the room.
“Hey!” Matt shouted as he opened the door to the backyard. “Get back in here!” A cat jumped through the doorway and made dark holes in the snow with her paws.
“Quick, someone help me get the cat!” Matt shouted over his shoulder as he dashed out the door. Sadie ran through the doorway her coat flying, to help her brother with the escaped feline.
“She’s in the tree!” Matt shouted with a finger pointing into the leafless branches of a hibernating tree. The orange fur of the animal was just barely visible at the uppermost branches.
“Someone has to climb it.” Sadie said at the base of the trunk.
“I’m not climbing it!” Matt said hurriedly. “That thing is as tall as a T-Rex!”
“We have to get her down somehow.” Sadie said under her breath.
“Here make some snowballs!” Sadie reached down and pulled a fist of white powder into a ball.
“What?” Matt looked at her with an arched brow.
“If we just throw the snowballs at her, then she’ll get scared and come right down.” Sadie explained her suggestion. Matt figured it was worth a shot, so he followed his younger sister’s example and plucked up a ball of snow to throw at the cat. Unfortunately the animal was out of reach of their aim, and the snowballs fell uselessly to pop like soap bubbles at the kids’ feet.
“It’s not working.” Matt said.
“Well what do you suggest?” Sadie grouched at him.
“We need to climb it.” He said determinedly.
“How will we get all the way to the top?”
“Here, you stand on my shoulders, and reach up as high as you can.” Matt bent down for his sister, and she shuffled onto his shoulders before he rose to a stand.
“Okay, now reach up and call to her.” Matt said from between Sadie’s knees.
“Here kitty kitty kitty!” Sadie called up to the orange spot of fur. The cat mewed twice, then climbed higher.
“I think she’s stuck.” Sadie said with alarm.
“She can’t be stuck she’s a cat!” Matt said, straining against the extra weight on his shoulders.
“She’s about as stuck as a cat can be stuck.” Sadie said decidedly.
“Fine. Climb up higher, stand on my shoulders now.” Matt said with an exhausted tone. Sadie held onto the tree trunk for support as she rose to a stand on her brother’s shoulders.
“Here kitty kitty kitty!” She called louder.
“Oh no.” Matt said through gritted teeth.
“What?” Sadie looked down just in time to watch her brother’s knees buckle, and the two collapsed to the ground. A second after they fell, the orange blur of fur came within view of their faces, and padded through the snow to the back door.
“Mew.” The cat said simply.
“Uh. Stupid cat.” Sadie mumbled under her breath as she stood to shake snow off of her coat. The siblings let the cat in, and followed it through the kitchen and into the hallway.
“Um, guys?” Unice said from the back room.
“Yeah?” Matt and Sadie replied nervously.
“I think this fish is… dead.” The two looked at each other before Matt and Sadie crossed the hallway and walked through the doorway of the back room.
“Ew.” Sadie said as she stared into the glass tank at the corpse of a tropical fish.
“What did you do to it?” Matt asked with his eyes squinting.
“Nothing, I just fed it a corn chip!” Unice declared.
“Um, Unice?” Sadie said hesitantly.
“What?” Unice demanded.
“I think you killed it.” She finished hurriedly.
“How did I kill it?” Unice demanded another answer.
“The corn chip exploded in its little bitty belly.” Sadie pinched her fingers in the air for added emphasis. Unice’s eyes bulged and she swung her head to look back into the tank.
“Oh my god, you’re right.” She said with alarm. “What are we going to do?”
“Quick.” Matt said, as he crossed the floor. “Get the fish out of there before the others see it – it could damage their little brains.” The siblings retrieved a tiny green net from the cabinet under the fish tank, and scooped the corpse into the empty corn chip bag.
“Great. Now what?” Unice said to her brother.
“Now, uh… Hold on, I’ll be right back.” He dodged out of the room and returned moments later with a rubber duck from the bathroom.
“What’s that supposed to be for?” Unice looked at the duck with scepticism.
“It was a yellow fish.” Matt said as he pulled a pair of scissors off of the table next to the fish tank. He got to work cutting a shape out of the rubber bath toy, and finished by drawing a black eye at the base of the shape.
“That’s great Matt, you’re a real artist.” Unice grumbled at the completed work.
“Just, work with me okay?” Matt said shaking his head. “Ms. Topkins is like – fifty percent blind. She’ll never know.” Matt stuffed the artistic rendition of a fish into a decorative cave in the tank and stepped back to admire his work.
“Brilliant.” Unice said, with more then slight sarcasm. Sadie shrugged her shoulders up and down.
“I think it looks very realistic.” She said without concern. Matt nodded and let out a sigh.
“Uh, has anyone seen Ken recently?” Sadie asked aloud. Just then a muffled shout reached their ears from the basement. The three siblings took a second to glance at each other before darting out of the room and charging down the stairs.
“We’re coming Ken!” Matt called to him.
“What the – ” Unice froze at the entrance to the basement.
“Hey, great job Ken.” Sadie started. “You found the iguana.”
“Um, I think the iguana found him actually.” Unice said as she stared wide eyed at the three-foot-long reptile.
“So what do we do?” Matt asked as they stared at the miniature dinosaur.
“Oh I don’t know, why don’t you build a knock-off fish out of a rubber duck, and convince Ms. Topkins that it’s her pet.” Unice said argumentatively. Matt scowled and returned his stare to the iguana.
“How did it get down here?” Sadie asked.
“I don’t know.” Said Ken. He was perched on the lid of the washing machine – a bag of cat food clutched in his hands.
“But get it out of here. I can’t leave with it holding me prisoner like this.” He said.
“Okay, um…” Sadie evaluated the situation. A few pellets of cat food dropped out of the bag in Ken’s hands and fell to the floor at the iguana’s feet. It turned it’s head to the side and snapped up the brown cat cookies with its lips. Ken stared and moved the bag to the side. A few more pellets dropped to the ground, and the iguana wasted no haste in snapping up these as well.
“Here, I’ve got an idea.” Unice said as she stepped closer to the lizard. “Ken, toss a few cat foods this way, like in a path. Ken quickly complied, and the iguana slunk closer to the dropped food. He ate up the brown pellets in a path to the stairs, and the minds of all three children clicked an idea into place. Ken slid down off of the washing machine, and stepped very hesitantly around the baby dinosaur. He continued to drop pieces of food, until he got to the foot of the stairs.
“Can iguanas climb stairs?” Ken asked as a few pellets of cat food dropped by his feet. In a heartbeat the iguana was on the second step to snatch up the dropped food. Ken screeched and ran up the stairs.
“I’d say that’s a yes.” Unice said drolly. The iguana continued up the steps behind Ken, as he raced up the stairs and into the kitchen. pellets of cat food dropped every few feet, and this was enough to keep the iguana moving. He stopped at the entrance to the cage and tossed a few pellets of cat food into the center. The lizard continued to walk towards the food, and Ken slammed the cage shut behind it. The iguana in the cage on the opposite side of the room slunk to the side and hissed through the chicken wire.
“I-ee!” Ken shouted and dodged out of the room, cat food flying. The three siblings sighed as the stared at eachother in the hallway.
“Did you feed the dogs?” Unice asked the party.
“Yes.” Ken nodded.
“Scoop the litter?”
“Yes.”
“Feed the birds?”
“Yes.”
“Let’s get out of here.”
“Yes.”

The phone rang in the air, unanwered – as usual.
“What is it with people and answering the phone around here?” Mom clamored through the living room to the kitchen to pick the phone up off its bed.
“Hello!” She said forcefully. “Oh, yes hi Ms. Topkins. Did you have a nice visit? … Oh wonderful! … Yes they enjoyed themselves so much, they just love animals…”
“We love money.” Unice corrected her mother from the computer screen. Mom jabbed a threatening finger at her daughter, who shrugged unconcernedly.
“That would be great, thatnks…” Mom continued. “I – what? … I don’t know… Um, let me get back to you on that. Okay, bye.” Mom set the phone down on its bed, and then turned to face the ocupants of the room.
“Who replaced Ms. Topkins’s yellow tank with a chopped up rubber duck?”